Some “What The Hell?” Moments

Several months ago, my journey to New York State via Greyhound Bus started innocently enough. I was boarding the packed vehicle, holding my duffel bag at chest height, sort of sidestepping over limbs and baggage that had spilled over into the aisle. Near the back, I spotted an open aisle seat beside a guy, who was probably in his mid-20’s. We made eye contact, and I smiled half-apologetically. He stood up, and helped me place my duffel into the overhead compartment. I figured myself lucky, thinking I was sitting next to a pretty chivalrous gentlemen for my multi-hour trip. Little did I know, that was probably the last relatively normal moment I would have until I arrived at my destination.

ODD-BALL: So what do you do for work?

 MK: I’m an EMT. I work on an ambulance.

 OB: Really?? Wow, maybe you can help me with something?

 MK: Uh, I can try.

 OB: So I was hit by a car yesterday. Do you think I’ll be okay?

MK: Like a car accident? (wishful thinking)

OB: No, no, like a car physically HIT me. Like, I was pulled over on this road, and I was standing outside of my car, and another car just, like, hit me.

MK: Um…well…how fast was the car going?

(At this point, I’m somewhat skeptical.)

OB: I don’t know. 30 maybe? It was a small road 

MK: Did you get help? Like, call an ambulance?

OB: No! NO! I didn’t want them all up in my business, you know? So I just got up and drove home. Only reason I ask now is I’m kinda hurtin’ 

He pulls up his pant legs to show me extensive road rash, significant bruising along his ribs, and some more road rash on his hands. And I was pretty sure that his wrist was sticking out at a kind of funny angle.

MK: Uh…wow. Ok. So you need to go to a hospital.

OB: NO! Absolutely not. NO. I just want to know whether or not I’m going to be paralyzed.

What?

OB: See, my buddy, he jumped off his roof once when he was SO stoned. I mean, REALLY stoned. Kind of my fault, but anyway, he broke his back. But we didn’t know it! Cuz he was stoned! And later, he turned green. GREEN! So then we were like, “Oh, man, you broke your back!” Cuz, you know, you turn green when you break your back. You know that. You’re an EMT. You probably see people turning green all the time. Anyway, I haven’t turned green yet, but I’m afraid I will. Is there any way you can know if you broke something before you turn green?

Wh…? Well, I suppose if you broke your back and subsequently died from said injury, and people didn’t find you for days later, I’m sure you probably would turn all sorts of colors. Green might be one of them. Other than that, not sure where he got the idea of this “turning green” business.

Then he discussed the rising cost of crack, and how it compares to that of LSD. At this point, I was trying to look as interested as I could while mentally leaving my body.

OB: So, you seem nice. We’re hittin’ it off pretty well, don’t you think? So glad you sat next to me.

 MK: Hm? Oh, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Mmhmm. Yep….

 OB: Do you want to like, get together in the hotel when we get to Medium City?

 MK (working to mask horrified expression): Uhhh…I have Hep C and HIV. Oh, and meningitis.

 (Not true, but he absolutely didn’t need to know that.)

 OB: Wow, that blows. Did you get that from working on the ambulance.

 MK: Uh…yeahhhh. Yeah. That’s how I got that. Yeah.

OB: Oh, thank God. Well then none of that’s contagious. Cuz you were doing hero’s work.

(Recognize, everyone. Dontcha know I’m a hero? And that makes me exempt from the commonly accepted theories of medicine and modes of transmission.) 

 MK: Okay. Well, I’m going to listen to music now. It’s really important you don’t interrupt anymore.

 OB: Definitely.

This all was just too weird not to share. Any interesting stories from the peanut gallery involving people asking for medical advice/”correcting” those common knowledge, well-known, well-accepted medical facts?