Success is Lonely

I like having friends. Maybe it sounds dumb. I like the companionship and chats and everything that goes along with it. I might come off as shy, reserved, nervous, or even cold at first. But I do like people, mostly.

Commuting from home to a community college means that I don’t really have friends to speak of at school. My friends that I see and talk to regularly are work-based. Most of them are older than I am. And that’s fine. We get along great, and I love spending time with them. At the same time, I miss having friends my age. People who it’s okay to be absolutely silly with. People who have strange senses of humor, which is light-hearted and fresh.┬áPeople who are in that same quarter-life crisis, trying to figure themselves out and where they belong in the grand scheme of things. I was told that nursing school tends to be something of a bonding situation. They throw all of you in a pressure cooker, and you forge these friendships.

Well. That’s a load of crap.

I have exactly two acquaintances in nursing school. By that, I mean I have people to text quickly and say, “What do we have to study for that exam coming up?” and “That presentation went terribly! Agh!” Everyone else seems to know me as “That red-headed EMT bitch that knows everything.” At first, I was a little confused by this. I seldom open my mouth during class…usually just to ask occasional questions. Then it became clearer.

I don’t openly share my grades. I feel like that’s private information. If someone asks me directly, I’ll tell them “I did okay,” or “Not as good as I hoped,” or some other deflecting statement. If they ask for a number specifically, I’ll tell them. But other than that, I don’t like to talk about it much. Well, one girl asked for my specific number grade. When I told her, she took it upon herself to tell just about everyone else.

Currently, only 50% of our class remains from our starting date size. Of those left, about 60% are right on the pass/fail line (which is a 77.) I’m not in that group. I’ve worked my tail off, and I’m doing fairly well in the class. Now that that’s public knowledge, I’m finding that people like to talk about me behind my back and ignore or dismiss me in class. Splendid.

One girl was once venting about how stressed she was. We had several very important projects and an exam due one right after the other. I started to co-miserate with her. She turns around and says, “You don’t even KNOW what stressed is! You’re passing! Don’t even speak to me.”

Well. Alrighty.

It’s stupid, I know. But I like being liked. I shouldn’t care what the others think. But I can’t help but being a little hurt and a little disappointed. Doing well in class is kind of lonely, I’ve found.

As much as it hurts, I’ve made up my mind to try and use it to focus. As one good friend of mine said, “True friends will be supportive and proud of your accomplishments. You wouldn’t want those girls for friends anyway.”

So, nursing school students. If you want to be mean, catty, and hateful, go for it. I’ll give you a reason to hate me. Valedictory (or at least pretty close), here I come.

Comments

  1. Give ’em hell. You’re doing a heckuva job, and you should be proud of yourself.

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