Saving My Life

I need to hear that shrill tone. The one that pulls me from my day and thrusts me into that of another’s. The one that orders me into my little car, and sends me to the station. The one that sits me on the bench of the ambulance, soaking in the smell of plastics and chemical cleaners. The one that captivates my attention for an hour or two.

I need the illusion that I belong. That what I do matters. To justify my reason for being. I need the excuse to keep me here another day. I need the time to think about something other than whether I should stay or go. Other than if my mistakes of yesterday outweigh my possibilities of tomorrow.

I need to feel like I’m part of something bigger than just me. Bigger than the emotional storm clouding my thoughts, raging in my head and my heart. I need to be given a few hours where I can stop worrying about yesterday and tomorrow. Where the only thing that matters is right here in this moment. The only thing that matters is the person whose hand I’m holding; the life that I’m caring for.

I need that tone to go off. Just one more time. I just need one more day to figure this out. Just get me through today.

EMS is saving my life. Hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to say it’s saved my life.

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