Pinning

It all began with a plain piece of 8.5 x 11 paper. A little more than two years ago, a lump sat decidedly in my throat as I nervously opened an envelope from a school. My eyes searched that simple sheet of paper, finding the only words that mattered: “Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into our nursing program.” That summer seemed to crawl by as I anxiously awaited the beginning of my nursing career.

On a late spring evening in 2014, I sported a traditional white scrub dress and goofy-looking cap, as my mother pinned the hard-earned nursing school pin to my chest. I stood before my family, my closest friends, and my classmates as I lit my candle and recited the Nightingale Pledge. I promised to be the best nurse I could be, and to serve my patients above all.

The two years in between were the most difficult I’ve ever endured, and were fraught with more challenges than I’d ever imagined. There were unfair, condescending professors. There was the one instructor who looked me dead in the eye and said, “EMS is for people who aren’t smart enough to get through nursing school.” There were cut-throat classmates. There were absurd policies, forcing students to choose between missing a family member’s funeral or paying $850 to make up their schoolwork privately. There was the ever-looming threat of failure, made all too real by the steady loss of 62% of my classmates. Some friendships drifted apart–some probably irreparably so. There were brutal shifts on the ambulance. There were calls and incidents that shook me to my core and made me question things I was so ignorantly secure in. There was the loss of my only living grandparent–a loss that was unexpected, and occurred with a simultaneously shocking speed and a heartbreaking slowness. There was my father’s diagnosis of cancer. There were plenty of all-nighters, tears, and swearing I could not take another day in this program.

If that dark picture entirely described my two years of nursing school, there’s no way I would have made it. The nursing cap and pins on my bookshelf would never be there. There were people who gave me strength to give it just one more day, to try just one more time. There were professors who pulled me aside and told me I was going to be a great nurse. There were classmates who would vent with me, give me incredible words of wisdom, and drive to Chipotle for dinner while blasting music at an unreasonable level. There were instructors who tried to fight unfair policies that put students in unreasonable positions.  There were new friendships that were forged under the hot stress of school, and older friendships that were strengthened. There were shifts at work that were filled with camaraderie and fun, and were absolutely vital to keeping my sanity. The calls and incidents that had caused me so much pain are sewn into the fiber of my being, making me stronger and wiser than before. And there were calls that reminded me why I love taking care of people so much. The loss of my grandmother brought my family even closer. My father’s illness is allowing me to reorganize my priorities, to think less selfishly. I’m learning to look for the things I can change and help with. And, I’m learning to accept that some things are out of my control. Above all, the love, support, and compassion I’ve received has absolutely astounded me. All I can do is say “Thank you,” although words could never adequately express what these selfless kindnesses have done for me, and what they continue to do.

My nursing pin is a celebration of all that has happened, all I have pushed through, and everyone who was there along the way. It is for the bad as much as it is for the good.

And now, for better and worse, on to the next…

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